A274, THE Ancient Roman Road between Maidstone and High Halden. The twisting section from Headcorn onwards is popular with sales reps in BMWs and Audi-driving insurance brokers who make the entirely reasonable decision to overtake on blind bends in the interest of getting to Tenterden 30 seconds earlier than they otherwise would have done. ABSOLUTE BALLER Term used by footballers, generally under the age of 21, to describe a fellow professional who has performed at a significantly better than adequate level. ALE, REAL Substance that excites significant numbers of non-league football fans who then write riveting blogs about the number of pints they have consumed before, during and after matches. eg: "I went to a football match today and before the game I had a pint of beer! In a public house! It was a traditional brew called Bishop's Ringpiece! None of that lager rubbish!" ALLINGTON POWERMUM Woman who drives an expensive German car her husband hasn't paid for, becomes irate when the free coffee machine in Waitrose isn't working and devotes much of the rest of her time to making her children's teachers' lives a living Hades. ATHLETIC GROUND, THE Erstwhile home of Maidstone United FC, now site of retail complex which stands as a tribute to the vision and leadership of former club chairman Jim Thompson and the civic leaders of Maidstone circa 1988. NEW! AUGUSTINE, SAINT "Love thy neighbour!" said Saint Augustine. "Get off my fucking land!" said the Academy bearing his name, to its neighbours. NEW! AUGUSTINE'S ACADEMY, SAINT Rebranded name for the old Astro Fever school in Oakwood Park, a de facto public open space used peacefully by local residents for several decades until "the authorities" decided that the best way of dealing with the litter produced by its own students was to spend £40,000 on the kind of fence more commonly associated with secure facilities on the Isle of Sheppey. BANTER Term to describe sledging directed at opposition goalkeeper from Town End. See also: Abuse. BARMING Term used by estate agents to describe Fant. BARMING WOODS Ancient woodland heroically sacrificed by Eric Pickles to make way for a quarry. BARNES, ANN The town of Maidstone is honoured to host Europe's leading expert in the field of policework, Ann Barnes, at her HQ in the Sutton Road. Unfairly pilloried for her appearance in a narrow and sensationalist Channel 4 Documentary, Ann is now concentrating on what she does best - inspiring rank and file officers with pithy motivational speeches that sometimes last as little as three hours. Under Ann the outdated concept of devoting time to chasing rapists and drug dealers has been replaced with a thrusting new ideas to tackle crime, like parking mobile police vans in supermarket car parks where officers can "have a chat" with local residents. BEARSTED Suburb of Maidstone where certain locals become indignant if anyone uses the pronunciation "Bear-stead" and insist it should be "Beer-stead" a stance somewhat undermined by the logo of the village golf club, which contains a bear and the logo of the village football club, which contains a bear. The correct riposte to anyone who says: "It's Beersted, not Barested," is of course, "Fuck off." BIG BRIT, THE Affectionate nickname for Aberdeen-born Maidstone resident Steve Watt, who like his compatriot Andy Murray made a timely intervention in the Scottish Independence debate on the morning of the vote, but who, unlike the SNP candidate for Stoke D'Abernon, backed a winner. Imposing centre-half and sometime auxilliary centre-forward also known for his constructive and ongoing dialogues with match officials. BLACKMORE, CLLR ANNABELLE Affectionately nicknamed "Clayton", La Blackmore made stand worthy of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King early in her career when she bravely faced down calls for her resignation as a councillor, after it emerged she was representing her Marden constituency from her house in Bermuda. Clayton rode out the storm, moved home and is now the leader of Maidstone Borough Council. Cheers! BLUE BELL HILL Gateway to hell. BOUGHTON MONCHELSEA Term used by estate agents to describe Park Wood. BRAHMACHARYA Tenet of Hinduism, a vow of celibacy as observed by Mahatma Gandhi. This impossible-sounding task is rendered achievable by a walk down Week Street, Maidstone. "BRAHV" or "BRUV" Collegiate term of endearment used by educationally subnormal yoofs. BRENCHLEY GARDENS Lovingly tended public open space named after Julius Brenchley a 19th century explorer educated at MGS who sailed the South Seas. Brenchley encountered tribes previously untouched by civilisation although they were still significantly more evolved than many of the species found in the gardens that bear his name on an average Sunday. BRENCHLEY, THE Newly-opened public house where distressed looking female bar staff try to mollify munting old leches twice their age while pouring them alcohol. BRILLIANT ONE, THE Nickname for Alex Brown, referring to his habit of using aforementioned adjective on multiple occasions in interviews rather than his undoubted qualities as an "absolute baller". BULLSHIT MUNCHER See Hindle, Cllr Jeremy. CHARCOAL GRILL, THE Fabled Tonbridge Road eatery, purveyor of five-star grilled meat produce and burger sauce. Plastic Passion rating: Five stars. CHARLTON Suburb of Woolwich erroneously believed to be part of Kent by news organisations such as the BBC. CHEQUERS CENTRE, THE Architectural inspiration for the Peach Trees residential complex in the film Dredd. CHAV EPICENTRE/CHAVICENTRE Area of Maidstone town centre between bus station and Iceland in the Chequers Centre with the densest concentration of tattooed, nasally-pierced, 28-year-old grandparents. CHRIS SMALLING JOKE, THE Cracked simultaneously by anything up to a hundred of the finest Manchester United supporting minds in the country - and there's some pretty thick competition there we're sure you'll agree - whenever Chris Smalling oes something indifferent in a high-profile game. The gist of the joke is this: "Smalling isn't good enough for the Maidstone United first team, let alone the Manchester United first team!!! LOL!!! PMSLF!! LMFAO!!!!" During the other United's 1-0 defeat at Manchester City "The Chris Smalling Joke" was cracked by a record number of Twittermancs, some of whom wondered if we might want him back, for free. Why not? That's what Fulham paid us for him. COLLINA, FRANCESCO Phenomenally gifted Italian striker who can play as both a classic number 10 and as a trequartista. Despite being Maidstone's most technically capable attacker in a generation, Collina's workrate is occasionally questioned by the sheißegibbonen in the main stand, a baseless and xenophobic accusation by those jealous of his latin style and flair. COUNCIL, MAIDSTONE BOROUGH Entity instrumental in returning to Maidstone United to the County Town after just 24 years. CRITICS CORNER Section of terracing at erstwhile Athletic Ground, home to self-styled "wags" who amused each other endlessly by shouting "you're shit Joyce!" or "play the way you're facing Maidstone!" Spiritual forebear of the Main Stand at JWW. DARTFORD Suburb of Erith, south-east London. DICKOV, ST. PAUL Scorer of the greatest goal ever score by anyone not wearing a Maidstone shirt. The absence of a Dickov statue outside JWW remains a mystery. DOVER Friendly club, based on the French coast, prospering under the quicksilver mind of "Uncle" Jim Parmenter. DOWNS MAIL, THE Cutting edge local publication that sets the standards for all regional media outlets to follow. Consistently uncovers scoops its rivals miss, eg: "FANT MAN WINS APPEAL AGAINST TICKET FOR PARKING IN LOADING BAY" and "DOG RETURNS STICK THROWN AWAY BY OWNER ON PENENDEN HEATH." EBBSFLEET UNITED Club who forgot to change their name back to Gravesend & Northfleet. Run by Europe's top football administrator, Peter Varney (see below). EDENBRIDGE Pleasant pagan hamlet in the rolling hills South West Kent which offers tourists an insight into what humanity would have been like had the Enlightenment, the Renaissance and the invention of the light bulb never happened. Every year on November 5 the villagers, some of whom even have their own teeth, make an annual gesture of appeasement to their gods by burning an effigy of a leading celebrity. It's just a bit of fun and anyone who fails to realise this will be (a) accused of having no sense of humour and (b) ritually sacrificed in a burning wicker funeral pyre. EDWARDS, PETER Crusading former editor of the Kent Messenger and Maidstone Star who reacted to Maidstone United's collapse in 1992 by successfully reinventing himself as a Gillingham supporter. Subsequently wrote columns in which the first person plural was used to describe the anguish caused by Gillingham's 1999 play-off defeat. "We were so close ..." Later overheard in conversation with Paul Alcock (of Chequers Centre and Paolo DiCanio fame) saying "What I can't understand is these people who change their teams." FANT Residential area of west Maidstone where local by-laws require residents to cover all pavements in dog shit. GABRIELS HILL Throughfare where pedestrians are advised against making eye-contact with fellow pedestrians, particularly at chucking out time at the "Palace of Shame". GARDEN OF ENGLAND Soon-to-redundant euphemism for the county of Kent, gradually being phased out and replaced by the term "Car Park of London". GILLINGHAM Tiny, insignificant hamlet on the north Kent rivieira. GRANT, THE HON HELEN MP for Maidstone & The Weald who declared herself a Manchester United supporter in a bid to enhance her appeal to the widest possible demographic in the County Town. GRASS Substance, the illusion of which on a playing surface, is enough to ensure entrance to Football Conference. HARWOOD, CLLR TONY Envirotastic local councillor who likes to look very serious indeed in Liberal Democrat election material and makes weekly appearances in the Kent Messenger looking deep, sensitive and - hey - just a little bit dangerous. HEIST AT HARTSDOWN, THE Reference to 1-0 defeat at Margate in the 2014-15 season when The Big Brit had an equaliser ruled out for offside despite being played on by up to half a dozen opponents. HINDLE, CLLR JEREMY Bemulleted and permed Mayor of Maidstone who stood on the steps of the Town Hall in 1989 and promised the council would do "what's right and proper for" Maidstone United. By which he meant "ensure you won't return home for another 23 years". Consummate bullshit muncher. HUME, LLOYD Renaissance man who co-managed Maidstone United to successive titles in the mid 2000s. His notable bon mots included, when sledged about his weight: "I'm not fat, I'm rich, you twat," and "Ryaaaaaan!!!! Yooooo c*******************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" NEW! IMNARB Citizen of the 'Stone who frequently uses the expression "I'm Not A Racist But" before posting comments suggesting refugees have faked their involvement in the Syrian war in order to jump a few places on the waiting list for a council flat on the exclusive Singleton estate in Ashford, on the Kent Online facebook page. "I'm thinking of moving house, is Allington nice?" "It's ok, but quite a lot of IMNARBS live there." "JUDY" Affectionate nickname for the (former) leader of Maidstone Borough Council, Chris Garland. Jagger-lipped Tory supremo, who heroically led the fight against Eric Pickles' plans to turn the Borough into a giant car park-cum-quarry-cum-retail centre. NEW! TO KEDWELL (V) Verb: (1) To miss a penalty “Here comes Danny Kedwell and … Oh, he's Kedwelled it! And Maidstone have been promoted!” (2) To fuck up on a gargantuan scale. “Jesus, whoever gave planning permission for that Drive-thru McDonalds by the one-way system couldn't have Kedwelled the town centre any better if he'd tried.” NEW! KEEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Town End's affectionate term for the opposition custodian. LANDED FESTIVAL, THE Event staged in Millenium Park where yoofs gather to witness men and women known as "DJs" perform basic functions behind a contraption known as the "decks", a device invented by a Mr James Savile. Although Mr Savile is chiefly remembered for being a massive sex offender, his contribution to popular culture should not be overlooked as without his pioneering invention DJ superstars of today like Maidstone's very own Nigel Fandango would be unable to thrill thousands by performing the impossibly difficult task of putting records on turntables and adjusting the volume controls. Popular with yoofs who say things like braap! braap! and regularly attend the Source Bar. LONDON Footling, increasingly irrelevant satellite of Maidstone. LOOSE WOMEN'S INSTITUTE JOKE, THE Loose is a village-cum-suburb to the south of Maidstone, pronounced to rhyme with "ooze" but with an identical spelling to a word that means "slack" or "wanton". The settlement dates back to Saxon times and it was around 1000 years ago that the ale-addled brain of a toothless simpleton first came up with the "Loose women" joke. This side-splitting piece of repartee has endured through the centuries and is still used today by PR reps, Meridian television presenters, and newspaper editors, all of whom believe they are cracking an epigram worthy of Shaw or Wilde when they say, during some horrific networking buffet at the Chequers Inn: "I wonder what they call the Women's Institute around here! Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!" They will then expect you to reciprocate this laughter, or you risk being accused of having "no sense of humour". MAIDSTONE Cultural hub of global importance and commercial mecca unrivalled within the EU. MAIDSTONE EAST STATION Transport hub that offers passers by free bicycle hire. Simply turn up with bolt-cutters and borrow the cycle of your choice on a long-term lease. MAIDSTONE UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB Greatest force for good in the known universe. MAIL, THE DAILY Paper given away to hundreds of patrons of Allington Waitrose and popular with people who "aren't" racists. (See IMNARB). MAP Device used to aid geographical location, unused by executives at BBC South East Today. MERCURIAL FRENCHMAN, THE Nickname for Maidstone's versatile gallic winger Alexandre Flisheur. Contrary to rumours that he is in fact a builder from Bearsted, Flisheur has brought a touch of continental flair to the team from his adopted home. Equally comfortable on either flank and up front, Flisheur has reportedly attracted interest from higher level clubs and Gillingham. MONT GRAVET Exclusive housing development off the Sutton Road. MOTE PARK Vast, sprawling area of land to the east of Maidstone Town Centre where the owners of Staffordshire Bull Terriers and other similar breeds allow their weapons, sorry pets, to roam without any restraints. When the aforementioned weapons then threaten other park users including small children said owners reply "it won't hurt you" or "it's just being friendly" and take umbrage when it is suggested they should "buy a fucking lead". Mecca for women with Croydon facelifts. MUGGLETON, THE Cavernous public house in Maidstone High Street which, though horrific, forms a useful social function as a highly effective tosser-sponge, particularly in the evenings. Since 1995 the Muggleton has been a magnet for tossers and has thus freed up space for non-tossers in other, less hideous public houses. "NEWBIE" Term coined to disparage anyone not present during the Kent County League Division 4 campaign of 1993-94. MILLENIUM GREEN Haven for depravity according to Allington-based dust relocation technician, Lorraine Otway. NORTH, THE Geographical expression, used to refer to area of England that lies to the north of Boxley. NEW! OTWAY, LORRAINE Dust Relocation Technician from Allington who was incorrectly described as a "cleaner" by the Kent Messenger Group and who quite reasonably asked them to print a correction. ﷯ PALACE OF SHAME, THE Pseudonym for a fabled Maidstone night club, popular with 01634s, (see below) where raw meat can be purchased at rock-bottom prices on a Friday and Saturday night. PHILLIPS, MICHAEL Affectionate nickname at the Camp Nou for midfielder Andrés Iniesta, a midfielder with middling Spanish (no emails please) club Barcelona. Coined because Andrés bears a passing resemblance to the more illustrious former Maidstone United lynchpin Michael Phillips. PLAYER WHO WON'T SCORE GOALS, THE Nickname for striker Jay May, who according to a number of keyboard experts, would not score goals this season. PICKLES, ERIC Secretary of state who had the courage, charisma, vision and - goddamn it - the balls to sign the order to allow a certain local business to flatten Barming Woods without even looking at the report. POWELL, EDDIE UKIP candidate for Maidstone & The Weald at the 2015 general election. UKIP ... E. Powell ... readers are invited to contribute their own punchline. Eddie got tremendously upset when a "mindless idiot" ripped down one of his election posters from a fence near the Loose shopping parade. Once again, fill in your own punchline. RAIN Concept misunderstood by opponents of 3G playing surfaces. REFEREE Individual blamed by football supporters for single-handedly thwarting their club's otherwise inevitable rise from Kent Invicta League to Champions League. (UPDATED: probably true post-Hornchurch). SALAD DODGER 1) Individual who drives the 100 yards from his front door to the nearest off-licence and complains "there's never anywhere to faaahking park". 2) Parent who drives child the 200 yards from front door to primary school gates and then struggles to comprehend why aforementioned child weighs in at 15 stone. SCHEIßEGIBBONEN Term used to describe six-pint keyboard warriors and inhabitants of the main stand who project their personal failings onto 17-year-old full-backs. SHED, THE Term used to describe, variously, northern end of Scotsman Stand at the Athletic Ground, terracing at Watling Street and Bourne Park and the average dwelling in Chatham. SHEERNESS ARM-WARMER Tattoo. Legally obliged to be worn by all professional and semi-professional footballers. SOURCE BAR, THE Maidstone night spot where a man recently dropped his trousers before defecating on the dancefloor. No manners, but what a critic. SOUTH EAST TODAY Regional news programme which sees no hypocrisy in lecturing MPs on sexism while enforcing a strict "no munters" policy in its weather department. NEW! SOUTHEASTERN TRAINS Organisation charged with running the train “service” between Maidstone and its satellites. Abused approximately once every 5 seconds on social media, rising to once every second during the rush hour. The business plan is simple. Keep putting prices up, keep fucking passengers up the arse, keep “rewarding” shareholders and employ some poor 19-year-old on a chimney sweep's salary to field all the abuse on twitter. SOUTH MAIDSTONE Term used by estate agents to describe Shepway, Mont Gravet, Park Wood and Senacre. SPRINGFIELD END, THE Largest area of covered terracing at JWW, named after former library which, in sonic terms, it closely resembles. NEW! SPUNKTRUMPET, JULIAN Pseudonym for (CENSORED), a lying, racist sack of shit. THANET Remote island off the Dutch coast. TONBRIDGE Small village to the south-west of Hadlow. TOSSER-TO-NON-TOSSER RATIO - (aka "the ratio") Algorithm used to determine the precise percentage of tossers in any given area, based on the premise that in any 200 people selected at random, there will be at least a dozen tossers. Thus, while there may be up to 50 tossers or more at any Maidstone United home game, given that said game will be attended by around 1700 people, the tosser-to-non-tosser ratio at JWW remains very favourable compared to said ratio at eg (CENSORED). TOVIL Luxury residential area to south-west of Maidstone town centre. TOWN END Area to the south of the pitch at James Whatman Way, where classics such as "When I was just a little boy ..." and "G-I-DOUBLE-L" can be heard. TOWNSEND, ANDY Although Andy was born in the 'Stone we are unable to claim any real credit for his contribution to the cultural life of the nation as he was raised in South London and it was on the streets around Welling and Danson that he honed the laser-sharp patter that enlivens ITV's commentaries to this day. NEW! TOWPATH TALIBAN Dog-owning psychopath who complains to the council about a public footpath being used by Maidstone Park Runners (aka the public). TPJPDWTS Now redundant abbreviation for The Player Jim Parmenter Doesn't Want To Sign, aka Jack Parkinson. Uncle Jim was very upset when the Kent Messenger reported Dover were interested in taking our midfield/defensive virtuoso to "the" Crabble in the summer of 2014. One year later, they signed him! This time having asked for permission to talk to him. There is no suggestion that they did not do this last summer, or that Uncle Jim had no idea his coaching staff had been tapping him up via social media. NEW! TRUMP, DONALD Nickname given to headmaster of St Augustine's Academy, after the school built a fence to keep is neighbours out and successfully managed to get said neighbours to pay for it. VARNEY, PETER Vice-chairman and eminence grise of Ebbsfleet United football club. One of the finest brains working in non-league football today, a forward thinking, enlightened visionary. WAG Gentlemen who yells: "You should have gone to specsavers," at a referee every time in a contentious decision is given against Maidstone United and then looks around the Main Stand in the hope and expectation that those around him find this as funny as he does. WALDERSLADE CASH CARD Part of the female anatomy used to negotiate a discount from a taxi driver after a post-midnight trip from a Maidstone nightspot over Blue Bell Hill. "I'm afraid I don't seem to have enough money on me. Would you accept a Walderslade cash card?" WATER Concept misunderstood by opponents of 3G playing surfaces. WEEK STREET Culinary centre of Maidstone. Unofficial food quarter where members of the Maidstone United Academy can be seen observing the latest nutritional guidelines at KFC or McDonalds. WEST COUNTRY, THE Geographical expression, used to refer to area of England that lies to the west of Aylesford. WILSON, FERGUS Maidstone-based landlord who was the victim of one of the most outrageous miscarriages of justice in living memory when a judge refused to believe his entirely plausible explanation that he was not putting fellow road users lives at risk by driving while using a mobile phone, but was in fact singing into a drinks carton. Recently convicted of assault after a row over a domestic applicance, Fergus was handed the most devastating punishment possible for a man of his enormous wealth - a fine of over one thousand pounds! - a sentence that should once and for all give the lie to the suggestion that the British judiciary is somehow biased in favour of the uber-rich. Fergus is one of the few landlords in Kent to have the courage needed to evict a tenant at risk of domestic violence. He is also reportedly interested in founding an association for high-flyers in Maidstone, although his tenants probably needn't apply. WINTER, THE BRITISH Concept misunderstood by opponents of 3G playing surfaces. 01634 Term used to describe someone who lives in the Medway connurbation. Name derives from the phone code that is enough to wipe five-digits from the value of any property. 101 Bus that delivers "01634s" from the Medway Towns to the Society Rooms on a Friday night 3G Surface deemed unacceptable by Jurassic-era football administrators, but which makes up fifty percent of Renee Zellweger's face.
It's REDBUBBLE so there's a sale on virtually every day!
In association with Redbubble
Available now in paperback: The story of "Britain's Shittest Newspaper..."
The first novel from the author of EXODUS Available from
Channel your anger by purchasing some high-quality merch!
T-shirts, mugs, phone cases and assorted shitnaks on sale. RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS! In association with Redbubble "Not as shit as the Arts Council book." Stones TV Just £1.99 on Amazon