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You can't put shit back in the donkey MAIDSTONE UNITED 1 SOLIHULL MOORS 1 Match Report by Jonatton Yeah? This result caused a fair amount of angst. Some were philosophical. Others were angry. Vivid, graphic swear words were directed at the officials and some of the Solihull players. Even more vivid and graphic swear words were directed at one of the stewards on supporters' facebook page, before they were deleted a few hours later. The team copped some of the blame for their perceived inability to hit a cow's ringpiece with a Hofner bass, but was that entirely fair? I spent Saturday night watching a BBC4 film about Mussolini, Hitler and Franco's manipulation international sporting events (it's a riot at our house, believe me) for propaganda purposes. Coming barely 24 hours after David Icke's denunciation of Manchester United as a cauldron of Zionist hatred I'll admit it had me worried, but then I realised that was all a long time ago and there was no chance a similar event could be hijacked by a murderous despot for the purposes of legitimising a regime waging cyber warfare on western civilisation in this day and age. So when the linesman put his flag up to rule out what looked like a perfectly legitimate goal by The Larkfield Ronaldo in the first half, I shrugged off any idea it was part of some global conspiracy. When the same linesman didn't put his flag up in the second half to rule out what looked like a goal that was about as legitimate as one of the foreign secretary's children, I thought the same. It's an honest mistake. That didn't stop me and a dozen other people standing in that particular part of JWW from telling said linesman exactly what we thought of his honest mistake of course, but these are the breaks. And he doesn't have to live with the nagging guilt, the feeling of: “what if he was right and I've just launched into him for no good reason?” Bastard. (UPDATE: Having seen the highlights it's fair to say he's Michael Falloned us). It seems there's a competition going on. In the absence of a catchier name, we'll call it “Who Can Produce The Biggest Fuck Up On The Strip Of Land To The West Of Whatman Way?” and after a fantastic effort by the Maidstone Borough Council 10 days ago, this week there was some strong competition from the linesman and a malfuctioning scoreboard, both stationed on the same strip of land. Lank, flaccid and forbiddingly dim as the scoreboard was, it was eclipsed in all these domains by an officiating crew who might as well have been guessing for the entire 90 minutes, even if we leave aside the decisions that appeared to turn a grim but effective 2-0 win into a turgid 1-1 draw. “It probably won't matter,” was the catch phrase for much of this match. We took the lead after 42 seconds and it looked like we'd finally give someone the Fred West-ing we haven't really given anyone at JWW since Chester last season. The goal came after a ball was deflected into the path of The Larkfield Ronaldo. He found himself onside and one-on-one with the keeeeeepaaaaaah, whom he lobbed with an accuracy that no one else managed to match for the resulting 93 minutes and 18 seconds. And this was the problem. On 20 minutes Gianfranco played in Hrubesch, who cleverly found a yard of space, rounded the keeeepaaaaaah and then, with an empty net to aim at … hit the crossbar. Maybe he went for power, maybe he was worried about the defender tracking back, but it was arguably the worst miss I've seen from a player since Steve Butler's infamous effort at Bramhall Lane in the FA Cup 3rd round back in 1988. (If anyone has the footage of this I'd love to see it.) If JTH goes on to have half the career Butler had he'll be doing ok, but it inevitably seemed to sap his confidence and he missed a more difficult chance a few moments later, though this, admittedly, might have been because the keeeeepaaaaaah made an outstanding save. It probably won't matter we thought, but as a succession of subsequent chances were blown the mantra began to wear thin. When The Larkfield Ronaldo produced a brilliant first time finish to make it 2-0 the linesman produced a posthumous flag for offside. As someone who was in line with TLR when he received the ball I can say that on the one and only viewing I had of it, it looked like an absolute Charlie Elphicke of a decision. But hey, it probably won't matter, right? Wrong. Solihull might have been bottom of the league at kick-off but they weren't obvious relegation fodder. Twice, early in the second half, they should have scored. The first came when TWM couldn't hold a long shot. The ball dropped for a Solihull player who blasted over from six yards, an effort that at least might have made JTH feel better. TWM then saved from the kind of distance an MP might try to goose you from and the nerves began to creep in, especially when the big motherfucker who scored a hat-trick here last season came off the bench. Huey conjured a low shot that forced an impressive save out of the keeeeepaaaaaah. Influential French midfielder J'ai Raison produced a moment of class to set up Gianfranco, who fired a yard over. And then they fucking scored. A ball came over the top to the aforementioned big motherfucker, who at first glance seemed half a yard offside. Also at first glance, it seemed the linesman had made a complete Sarah Huckabee Sanders of the decision because the flag stayed down, and although TWM kept the first effort out, he couldn't do a lot about the rebound. But hey, it probably won't matter, right? Because there's still half an hour left … Almost immediately Hrubesch got to the byline and pulled the ball back for TLR, who shot straight at the keeeeepaaaaah. Rowan came on, surged down the left and shot just wide, with half the ground screaming for a corner. More alarmingly still Ted was forced off as he was struggling to see. His afternoon ended in hospital as a result of an elbow. Still believe in accidents? The physio had a “quiet word” with the linesman as he went back to the dug out to inform if the consequences of this assault. “Duly noted,” came the disinterested reply. As time faded the chances of a Solihull winner increased. Around five minutes from the end they earned a corner, crashed a header against the post and saw the follow up blocked. On the counter Rowan played in Gianfranco, who sprinted into the area and went down under a challenge. 2400 people screamed for a penalty. Personally I didn't bother as I was too far away and by that stage I knew there was more chance of a stroll round Hyde Park with Julian Assange than there was of the ref giving it. (UPDATE: looks like Gianfranco did "go to ground easily" here. Making it one out of three on the big decisions) Deep into Mugabe time there was more shitgibbonry. A Solihull player literally wrestled Rowan to the floor, before “accidentally” sitting on him. Straight red? Not a chance. A yellow card for the attacker, a yellow card for the victim, because Rowan, as he does, retaliated. God help us if these people ever get their hands on the judiciary. “In conclusion Mr Sutcliffe, I find you guilty of the murder of 13 women. I sentence you to a yellow card for ungentlemanly conduct and I will be showing yellow cards for retaliation to the corpses of your victims in due course...” He did at least give us the free-kick, but this was overhit and the final whistle blew, to general, piss-boiling rage. You'd have to be fairly paranoid to think there was a conspiracy involving FIFA, The National League and the council to keep Maidstone United in their box, although having said that I wouldn't actually rule it out. Never mind. The scoreboard will presumably work, eventually. Manchester United may one day atone for their Zionist plot to silence David Icke. On Tuesday night the players get the chance to atone for their finishing. On Wednesday night the council will get the chance to atone for their fuck up. The linesman will know by then if his fuck-ups turned a 2-0 into a 1-1. He won't get the chance to atone, but as Tony Soprano once said, you can't put shit back in the donkey. Now bring on The Hunter. PS: I haven't ever met a ref I knew to be bent, although rumour has it that (CENSORED) was and that he once openly admitted to deliberately turning down a penalty in a county cup final because he was bored and wanted to go home. He ended up as a grande fromage with the (CENSORED) , evidence of Jarvis Cocker's theory that “shit floats.” PPS: Ever hear the rumour about the chairman of a National League club who said to an official of a rival team: “I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you cunts get relegated?” No, me neither.
Solihull Moors: Generic Preview Bollocks
Well what a week it's been ladies and gentlemen, what a week it's been. In Zimbabwe Satan is lubing up for Bobby Mugabe; in London the Nazi-Enabling Albino Cupboard Rapist Julian Assange is lubing up for Trump Junior and saying he'll love him long time if he makes him ambassador of Australia. And here in the Stone we're so broke the Independent says this happened ... ﷯ The football industry is far from immune to seismic geo-political developments. Italy, the country all discerning English football fans of a certain age have a mancrush on, (if you will the Lee Worgan of footballing nations,) somehow failed to qualify for the World Cup. So in honour of Gazzetta Football Italia, here's a round up of the press reaction to this seismic news. Gazzetta Dello Sport went with: “ITALIA HA ASSOLUTAMENTE KEDWELLATO QUESTA CAMPAGNA DI QUALIFICAZIONE PER LA COPPA DEL MUNDO.” ﷯ In France L'Equipe, barely able to conceal their glee, went with: “L'ITALIE A KEDWELLÉ LA COUPE DU MONDE.” In Germany Die Zeit went with “ITALIEN HABEN IHRE WELTMEISTERSCHAFTENDGULTIG GEKEDWELLED” while in Egypt the Cairo Evening News went with the simple but poignant: ﷯ Here in the 'Stone the fall out from the Council decision to thwart expansion on the west side of JWW continued as it emerged one of the councillors who voted on the decision openly admitted she “didn't understand” what the difference between the implications of leasing and selling the strip of land MBC wishes to retain ownership of for strategic reasons. You can view the full meeting in all its glory here and I seriously recommend skipping straight to the relevant section if you don't want to spend an hour and a half wishing your senses would fail and fantasising about a swift and painless death. Officer Green (Pictured below courtesy of the Maidstone Raider) eventually makes the argument that the club doesn't lose anything by this arrangement, while the council gains because it has the ability “to influence the future of the site.” This is true only in a theoretical realm: a realm where a property developer would give a flying toss about a useless strap of land next to the stadium he covets for example. In this reality it's about as accurate as a Tom Newton-Dunn scoop. ﷯ Unfortunately, however, this advice, from an officer, may well have been enough to sway someone, who, let's say, may not be entirely au fait with association football. Such as Cllr Wendy Hinder, whose intervention went as follows. “Thank you Mr Chairman. I have to admit, I don't particularly like football, I can't bear it when my husband watches football." (Is he trying to tell her something?) She concedes the club is an asset to the town (no shit) but then says: “I'm just confused as to the difference if they buy it or if they lease it. If there's no difference, I'm quite happy to support what we're saying ...” Anyone who's ever worked in the teaching profession will know that look. It's the look you get when you've just tried to explain the principles of astro-navigation to a student who'd struggle to get an F in domestic science. Or when you've tried to explain anything at all to David Davis. Incidentally Cllr Hinder represents Boxley, but lives in Walderslade, enjoying the freedom of movement that allows her to cross the border whenever she pleases. As she gets paid over four large a year to do this, does this make her an economic migrant? Wouldn't bother me personally but some of her party members get tremendously upset by that kind of thing. There is a school of thought that believes that a paid, elected councillor, sitting on such a committee, should make an effort to understand the issue (s)he's voting on. This school of thought also has it that if such an official should openly admit that (s)he doesn't understand said issue, she should abstain from voting on it. One Lib Dem (Dave Naghi) and one Tory (Matt Boughton) tried to inject some sanity into the debate. Everyone else just went “baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...” They fuck up, we pay for it. It serves as a microcosm of these “interesting times.” (UPDATE: This decision will now be "reviewed" at the Town Hall on Wednesday, at 7pm, at a public meeting). Other news? Word reaches us that the BBC wanted to shift our FA Cup second round tie to the Sunday, only for the hosts to refuse. Traditionalists are happy about this because it means we get to kick-off at 3pm on a Saturday. Others are less happy because it means the hosts have just flushed several thousand pounds worth of tv money down the Junior Hoillet on our behalf. Either way it doesn't change this site's view of “the hosts” as freak genetic mutation that stands as a monument to the stupidity of the mediocre white men who ran (and still run) this industry. It'd be a brave man who argued that Gillingham FC was run by mediocre white men and this week, at long last they finally appointed Steve Lovell as manager, “ending speculation” (translation: putting on hold for two to four months until Lovell gets forced out by a few people on the Kent Online “comments below” section) that Dawes might end up there. Good luck to him. Apart from giving many of us one of our greatest ever moments as Maidstone fans, he is by most accounts a thoroughly nice bloke, which in some ways is a shame as the 01634s would have been so much easier to dislike had Steve Evans or Graham Westley been in charge. Although no sooner does the “Gillingham rumour” get mothballed, the “Orient rumour” gets revived of course and you're never more than six months away from one of them. Which brings us, finally, to Solihull Moors, a team who have spent so much of this season getting bummed that they are now on their third manager, Mark Yates, assisted by one-time England keeper Tim Flowers. Sky would be pumping the: “Maidstone have never beaten Solihull Moors. Will they ever get a better chance to make history than today?...” shit. BT, had they chosen to cover it, would undoubtedly be going down the: “Can Solihull return to winning ways?” route. Incidentally did anyone count the number of times they mentioned the “£5 million stand” in last week's broadcast? Given that you could probably buy half that particular borough for that amount, did they perhaps get overcharged? Looking at the line-ups from last season's matches, only TWM survives from the 4-2 home defeat in October 2016, with the word “survives” here being used in a metaphorical sense rather than being meant to imply that leaving Maidstone United is a kind of death, even though it surely is. By January of this year however, things were changing. The away match marked the debut of the Larkfield Ronaldo. It was a collectively awful performance, but the nucleus of the side that would storm into the UK's top 100 was forming. Team news? DSY is still suspended. Otherwise, absolutely no idea at all. So we'll leave you with the Random Anniversary Shit and would you believe it's a decade ago this weekend that we went to Hartsdown and fought back from 3-1 down to get what looked like it would be a valuable draw? In injury time Pat Mullin fucked up a clearance, only to see it fall to the brilliant Luis Cumbers ... RANDOM ANNIVERSARY SHIT 15 YEARS AGO Kent League: Deal Town 2 (Seager 17, 73) Maidstone United 2 Sinden 5, Masters 61) Gate: 400. Maidstone: Hudson, Kempster (Davey 75), Ribbens, Foley, Davis, Dyson, Webster, Masters, Sinden, Restarick, Jeffreys Subs: (not used) Reynolds, Knight, Hogg, Lacey (Headline from the official website: HUDSON'S HOWLER HANDS DEAL A POINT) The Masters in question was David, the Kent cricketer. 10 YEARS AGO Isthmian Premier: Margate 3 (Dawes 1, 50, Haworth 40) Maidstone United 4 (Cumbers 11, 73, Trott og 54, Martin 70) Gate: 789 Maidstone: Mullin, Paul, Roser, Lewis, McNish, Owen (sub Peacock 65), Tydeman, Shearer (sub Lacy 69), Cumbers, Martin, Freeman (sub Takaloo 73). Sub not used: Hegley 5 YEARS AGO Isthmian South: Maidstone United 1 (Iniesta 90+5) Walton Casuals 1 (Dias 89) Gate: 1755 Maidstone: Deren Ibrahim, Tommy Osborne (Ade Olorunda 90), Tom Mills, Nicky Humphrey, Tim Olorunda, Danny Lye (Sam Bewick 39), Michael Phillips, Warren Whitely, Shaun Welford, Paul Booth (Alex Waugh 73), Alex Flisher. Subs not used: Kaiyne Woolery, Charlie Mitten. #COYMFS