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Yes, after a lengthy delay "The Bollocks" is back, and as ever our correspondent CHLAMYDIA FASSLANE is struggling to make sense of geo-political events, transfer madness and thinly-veiled threats, one of which has forced SIMON FUCKWIT into hiding ... What a week it’s been ladies and gentlemen, by Christ what a week it’s been. It emerged that POTUS may well be guilty of obstruction of justice, although all anyone seems to be worried about is the fact he gave a bongo model the kind of money it takes a Gravesend & Northfleet midfielder a full year to earn to hush up an affair. Perhaps the real scandal here is that she regularly underwent orange poundings of her own free will and only took the money to keep it quiet. Iranian expat-incarcerating, arsonist-turned-fireman and all-round professional blundercunt Boris Johnson suggested building a 22-mile bridge across the world’s busiest shipping lane to a country many of his voters think we’re still at war with. And, closer to home, a bongo-model supposedly from the ‘Stone is “heartbroken” after being dumped by a man biologically old enough to be her Grandad in some of the town’s more exclusive residential areas. It all seemed pretty harsh to be honest, I mean all she did was send a load of racist text messages. It was sheer bad luck that he just happened to be a man obliged to at least pretend he isn’t as demented as some of the Daily Express-reading mouth-breathers his party’s business plan depends on. This, incidentally, is the week in which Lord Wilson of Boughton Monchelsea has decided he wants 10 large from a Vlogger who dared to suggest he might be a bit racist, just because he wouldn’t let houses to people from Pakistan and India because of the smell of curry. It doesn’t bear thinking about how fucked off the Fergmeister will be if white folk ever start eating generously-spiced India food in his houses ... I saw that news with a shudder. We got a thinly-veiled warning after last week’s Gravesend report to “be careful what you write about powerful men. Stick to verifiable facts.” Blimey! So anyway, let’s heed that advice and stick to verifiable facts … Or “shit that we read on the internet” as it’s known to anyone other than Sky Sports. Did you know Chelsea FC’s head of international recruitment, Scott McLachlan, is the son of former Maidstone United reserve team manager Duncan? We shit you not. Duncan even managed the first team once, an away game against Dartford at Watling Street if memory serves. And this week, in a verifiable fact (well it was on a liveblog by the Independent which has to be close enough), Chelsea launched a £30 million pound bid for Andy Carroll. When this, incredibly, was scuppered by an injury, they turned their attention towards Peter Crouch, who, despite being 57, has probably got more of a career ahead of him. “Crouchy” as he’s known by proper football people, once implied Gillingham’s supporters were drawn from a, shall we say, limited gene pool, after he was abused by fans who suggested he was in-bred during a game at Priestfield. In a further ironic twist his distant relative Tracey, reeling from her beloved Gilingham’s cup heartache on Tuesday night, was named “minister for loneliness.” You do have to wonder if this was a sadistic joke played on her by one of the more singlemumophobic staffers at Central Office, especially as Tracey is "much nicer than Helen Grant" according to someone who's lucky enough to have met them both. It hasn’t been an easy week for Gillingham, or their supporters. They’re getting sued (again) by a former vice-chairman who claims he’s owed £900 large, although as the said vice-chairman himself stands accused of a $6 million Healthcare fraud in the USA he probably needs the funds, just to stave off an impending spell in the kind of Florida jail where you’re doing well if your rectal chastity lasts a fortnight. Then there was the furious reaction to Tuesday night’s cup disappointment, the backlash from which has forced our reporter Simon Fuckwit to into hiding. A mutual friend has told Simon he needs to “watch his back” after RT-ing a picture of a Gills fan who was seen stumbling into the security curtain after The Governor’s winner. It seems the fan in question just wanted to congratulate the home fans on the goal and was frustrated by the presence of a black curtain that prevented him from sharing some love. Well who wouldn’t be? ﷯ The fall out has been harsh. Simon has already suffered dog’s abuse on social media, with a Mister Kieron Clarke (twitter bio: I’m fucking brilliant!) calling him a: “fucking bellend, a jumped up empty headed fucking idiot! Stop posting shit you fucking delinquent.” And a Mister Conor Sandwell said: “Who has a fake name on Twitter ﷯ grow up you twat." The laughter emoji, used in lieu of a question mark, only hints at the pain both questioner and questionee seemed to be going through. Now in the interest of balance we could point out here that the overwhelming majority of Gillingham fans took Tuesday’s defeat with grace and resignation, like the bloke from White Lines Media, here. But let’s face it, watching people lose their shit is just so much more entertaining, isn’t it? News? On Monday The Larkfield Ronaldo signed for Wimbledon and there was a danger everyone might get a bit Princess Di/Steven Gerrard/Big Fat Frank about it. Is it reading too much into things to notice the contrast between the public tributes from his team mates and the mystifying lack of public tributes to another attacking player who left us earlier in the month? We also learned on Monday our third round FA Trophy tie would be against Boreham Wood or Gateshead. By now hopefully everyone’s learned that the easiest way to follow the draw is via Twitter, which carries the news seconds after it’s broken and spares you up to half an hour of soul-crushing, stupefyingly inane TalkSport radio. At half-time on Tuesday Boreham Wood were leading, only for a second half revival from Gateshead to crush our hopes of an extra meeting with The Hunter. And which member of the #KentFootballFamily wasn’t devastated to hear Gravesend had blown their replay at Warrington? After all that excitement I had to skip the supporters’ meeting on Thursday night. You know the drill by now: owners give speech. Owners reveal new stand development. Everyone agrees council are a bunch of cunts. Players come in. Couple of phenomenally awkward questions get asked. Manager remains diplomatic. Smoke gets blown up various arses. Everyone fucks off home happy, or at least happy the meeting’s over. Which brings us, finally, to Eastleigh, the Gravesend & Northfleet of the South coast, the carnivores’ Forest Green Rovers, now managed by Andy Hessenthaler following the “promotion” of 3G-phobic Dickie Hill. Is anyone getting carried away because we’ve avoided a couple of potential banana skins in the cup competitions? As admirable as the professionalism shown on Tuesday night was, I think we all know we’re going to need to up our game tomorrow. You want insight? Head to Eastleigh’s website, where you’ll learn, among other things, that Eastleigh: “will be looking to continue their fine run of form and extend their unbeaten run in the league to seven matches. It also presents Eastleigh with the perfect opportunity to continue their good form away from the Silverlake – they’ve claimed maximum points in their last two away trips.” Got that? They would ideally like to win tomorrow’s match. Failing that, they’d like to draw it. These are verifiable facts. We’ll leave you with the … RANDOM ANNIVERSARY SHIT 15 YEARS AGO Kent League: Maidstone United 4 (Davey 13,34, Ribbens 84, Court 88) Whitstable Town 0 Maidstone: Hudson, Kempster (McCabe 88), Ribbens, Foley, Davis, Edwards, Hogg, Morrish, Sinden, Davey (Court 75), Lacy (Chainey 88) Subs (not used) Reynolds, Jeffreys Gate at Bourne Park: 323. 10 YEARS AGO Isthmian Premier: Maidstone United 0 Billericay Town 1 (Bricknell 79)* Maidstone: Mullin, Paul, Roser (sub Lacy 64), Lewis, Shearer, Smalling (sub Freeman 84), Tydeman, Ahwan, Takaloo, Rowland (sub Tiesse), Hegley. Subs not used: Peacock, Northwood. Gate at Bourne Park: 454 * Yes, this Billy Bricknell... ﷯ 5 YEARS AGO No match (!) #COYMFS Eastleigh: Generic Preview Bollocks
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