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RECENT HIGHLIGHTS On Tranmere ... Coke, violence and arse sex? On Lincoln ... "I am Sparta, HEAR ME ROAR!" On Forest Green... A green and pleasant land On Boreham Wood ... Christ on a fucking bike ...
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Both books available for the first time on Kindle via Amazon.co.uk Reviews for Arsenal: The French Connection "Laced with humour drier than a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon." 4 stars out of 5, 4-4-2 magazine Average Amazon review: 4.5 out of 5 Contains "puerile jibes about Sir Alex Ferguson" - When Saturday Comes"
Giving it the Princess Di treatment
OK. So having said we wouldn't, actually we are going to go a bit Princess Di. To mark the departure of our two longest serving players, we have compiled a few clips by way of a send-off. A number of you responded to our Twitter plea for your favourite Super Al moments in a Maidstone shirt and the responses included: "When he got told off for using a towel to dry the ball at Tonbridge away." One of you also felt Adrian Sharpe's "when he went, so did the title" comment on the forum deserved a special mention. Jurgen even went as far as compiling a list of YouTube moments, six of which can be seen below. v Canvey Island 30/8/14 ﷯ This was Alex at the peak of his powers, just months before his injury. Everything he tried paid off, and this goal shows a man brimming with confidence. Admittedly it came against one of the most inept 'keepers to have graced the Gallagher, but it was class nonetheless. v Kingstonian 9/9/14 ﷯ Possibly the best individual performance seen at JWW. The highlights don't do him justice, but the goal at 5:55 certainly does. v Sittingbourne 2/1/12 ﷯ This just sums up the man, the determination, strength, and skill involved in here, with the presence of mind to play in Millsy at the end of it. *Editor's note. We would like to apologise for the use of the word "Tekkers" in this clip. v Gosport Borough 13/2/13 ﷯ One of his first appearances following the injury, and what a way to get his first goal. Coming off the bench in a match between two playoff contenders to bag the injury time winner. (Note the presence of beaten keeeepaaaaahhhh Nathan Ashmore in goal, shortly before he fulfilled a lifelong ambition by signing for Gravesend & Northfleet). v Salisbury City 24/11/12 ﷯ A wonder goal in a giantkilling 2-0 victory over the then relatively mighty Salisbury City. Variously described by twitter users as a "rocket," "thunderbastard" and "an absolute motherfucker". v Dulwich Hamlet 13/10/12 ﷯ Two goals and an assist in a game where his partnership with Millsy down the left hand side constantly tore Dulwich apart, ending with the eventual champions being thrashed 5-0. Heather's highlights reel isn't as spectacular as Super Al's, but then again, whose is? And every now and again he'd do something like this at 8:40, during the 5-0 win over Dulwich: ﷯ Or this on 10:11:2012, in the FA Trophy against Whitehawk, who were then dominating the division above. Fast forward to around 12 minutes: ﷯ We wish them both nothing but the best, wherever they end up. Super Al interview On the day he left Maidstone United after eight years, SUPER AL very kindly agreed to do an interview with JURGEN DAHMER... How did your move to Maidstone from Bearsted come about? It seems everybody is trying to claim the credit for it! Tony Cornwall was the one who first got me to Maidstone in the reserve side. I was part of the under-18 Ryman team and Bearsted 1st team, so I chose to sign for Maidstone and it went from there. When you first signed did you have any idea of the club's history? Being from Maidstone I had a rough idea about the history and how the club lost everything and how it moved from ground to ground etc, etc Was Andy Ford quite as erm ... demanding ... as people made out? Personally I got on well with him and it helped in the way I progressed in my first season back after going to Tunbridge Wells. Was there a point when you thought - actually this club is going places? The main turning point for me was when the building works started on the new ground. Getting the club back into the middle of town was always going to take the club to another level. Jay said you sometimes seemed to lack confidence, is that true? After I got injured maybe a little yes but before my injury not so much. I never used to think about things as much and it would come naturally. Where as after my injury I would think about things more and had to change the way I played slightly. Steven Gerrard changed his mind after a day and said he was staying at Liverpool when he threatened to leave. If we beg, will you? I'd love to be able to say yes but unfortunately it hasn't worked out. Top three moments in a Maidstone shirt? Stevenage games, the conference south play off final and my goal against Gosport last season. Favourite team-mates? I've always got on well with everyone I've played with so it's hard to single people out. Millsy obviously because we've played together for nearly 10 years. Who are you going to play for next season? Currently waiting for a phone call. How close were you to staying? At one stage I was close to signing but things changed and it then became difficult for me to stay with work and training etc, etc How tiresome were the jokes/digs about your weight and fitness? Towards the end it got tiresome but that's football and it happens. I would never say I'm unfit, its more match fitness and sharpness since my injury. Do you think it sometimes went too far? Possibly, when some fat man who can't run, calls you unfit it becomes laughable. If the circumstances were right, would you go full time? Rumours persist linking you with a move to the league. I would never say no to going full time if it was financially right. There were rumours flying about when I got injured but that obviously never came to anything. If you were a betting man, would you be backing yourself to go to Peterborough, Margate, Welling, Ashford, Gillingham or Billericay? Football can be unpredictable, so could be anyone...
WELCOME TO KENT ... SORRY ABOUT THE RACISTS Click here for an extract from the story of "Britain's Shittest Newspaper..."
Our end of season survey results! YES! the results of our first ever end-of-season survey are in. What was the money shot? What was the "oh shit" moment? Who did you like and where did you think was a "shit hole"? And what do you REALLY think of the stewards? Click here to find out ... Jurgen Dahmer's A-Z of the season A is for Acapulco. Upon signing Ghanaian wonderkid Kevin Lokko, fans expressed delight at being able to sing The Four Tops classic in his honour. This never came to fruition, and even the man himself quizzed our touchline reporter on the reasons for this. B is for Beast (The). Long term target who finally signed, and finally got into the team a couple of months later. Literal car park talk is that he wants to stay. C is for calfskin. Traditionally used as a drum head, designed for igniting support at a game - but irritating the shit out of everyone* before and after. (Eds note: "Everyone" here can be taken to mean Mr J Dahmer and anyone on the coach back from Rochdale when said calfskin was being thumped at 2am). D is for Dover, small French fishing village just north of Calais. Home to an underachieving football team, largely down to the inhabitants not getting behind the project leader, Jim Parmenter - Peace And Praise Be Upon Him E is for Elvis. Now has the best terrace in Kent on his final resting place. RIP. F is for Flish - The Mercurial Frenchman. Modern day Stones legend, long may that continue? G is for Goal Kick Law. Changed over 20 years ago to speed up the game, but now exploited for time wasting. Take it from the nearest point of the goal area from where you retrieve the ball. Sources suggest a Maidstone based enquiry to this effect has arrived at Wembley. H is for H2O. The safest drink to stick to when invited into the VP Lounge - as discovered by one of our reporters earlier in the season. I is for Ian Tucker, esteemed club secretary and tannoy dude. Bizarrely on the receiving end of a rapturous round of applause for announcing the attendance vs Tranmere. Unless the fans were the recipients of the gesture? Surely not, Mr U? J is for Jay Saunders, aka Jason Dawes. Recipient of multiple C-Bombs throughout the season from those that conveniently situate themselves by the dugout during games. Also partial to some tactical advice from his superiors on various forms of social media. K is for Kentucky. Not just home to Flish's favourite style of chicken, but also to the legend that is Billy Ray Cyrus - who was to know that his epic hit* from the early '90s would be belted out in every soccer arena in the UK a quarter of a century later? (*Eds note: "Epic hit" here can be translated as "sonic war crime"). L is for Lewis. Class act who arrived in January and played a massive role in keeping us up. Awarded the Supporters' Player of the Season award in a massive kick in the balls to those who were actually here for the season. M is for Minstermen. York City fans were adamant that their stay at this level would only be a season long, and they were right. (Eds note: Special hello to the York fans who, after the opening day of the season, said we would be this year's Lewes or Eastbourne, a team who would stay at this level for one season only, look completely lost and then sink back to obscurity. Cheers!). N is for Nicknames. Affectionate (in most cases) pseudonyms given to various people such as Stones players and those in the news. Cause of debate over their necessity lead to ramblings (see P) and debates over their value, with confusion caused for many, such as *censored*. O is for Obese and/or Overweight. Abusive adjectives used to describe F. Adjectives that can be scorned at by any who witnessed his post-match "Ginola" reposte at the end of season party. P is for PMH. Our biggest fan and sadly missed from the social epicentre of the www. Highly sought after by various club officials. Q is for Quack. Noise made by the hippy with the horn, inbetween inane ramblings and nonsensical chants. Imagine Shaky with Desert Orchid's arse on his head. R is for Relegation. Seemingly sealed prematurely with a 1-4 humbling by The French Fishing Village on New Year's Day. We were 27 points adrift at the bottom having spent the entire season in the relegation zone. There followed the greatest of great escapes. S is for Sittingbourne Road, home of The Queen Anne pub which is to be forever recommended to any opposition fans having the nerve to ask for pub recommendations before their visit. Yes, we get it, send them to the town pub furthest away from the stadium, very amusing. T is for Tranmere. A decent yoof team who were sadly given on the field lessons in the art of what we should, for legal reasons, call "gamesmanship" but what we'll actually call "cheating cuntsmanship" by some of their elders. U is for Unbelievably thick cunt. We started a list but ran of of memory on the internet. V is for V. Former forum regular with outspoken opinions. Hasn't been seen around for a while, maintaining his similarities with someone he definitely isn't. W is for Wood, Boreham. Wonderfully run North London club, with true non-league principles and a fiercely loyal fan base. X is for Xylophone. One of the few instruments not being used at JWW, presumably because Fisher Price haven't made one big enough yet. Y is for Yah Mon. Response required from Jamaican hitman Jamar Loza when contract talks get underway. Z is for Zut Alors, a polite way of swearing in France when something is surprising or disappointing, such as a bizarre choice of StonesLive! pundit for a single away game this season. It was a one off, and - just like one egg - this was un oeuf.
WELL what an off-season it’s been ladies and gentlemen, what an off season it’s been (so far.) In an astonishing turn of events, Helen Grant has defied the prediction of our end-of-season survey, during which 95 percent of you said a marzipan dildo would make a more effective constituency MP, to land a majority of 18,000. Yes, 29,136 voters thought she was worth a five-year deal worth 75 large a year plus benefits, the kind of deal even our old friends at Stonebridge Road might have thought was a bit risky (although then again, perhaps not.) If you were lucky enough to vote in Allington you may have been treated to some “bantz” by the local Lib Dem councillor. I turned up with a ruck sack which he jovially suggested might mean I was a suicide bomber. Having somewhat generously shown him my poll card he expressed the desire that said ruck sack wouldn’t “go off pop” as I walked to the booth. This was fairly early in the day so Christ alone knows what zingers he was coming out with by the time the sun had crept over the yard arm. With talent like this in the ranks the collapse in their vote seems even less explicable. News? Yeah right. Well ok. We “understand” that for all the Princess Di treatment of the last week, Super Al won’t actually leave unless someone is prepared to pay the transfer fee and as yet we know about as much on that front as a Sky reporter standing outside Stoke's training ground while someone tries to ram a sex toy into his ear. (LATE EDIT: Fee may have been agreed). The other big talking point of the week was the news that we’ll be hosting Crystal Palace in a friendly and without going over the top we can at least say that this should be a great day out. Life in Thornton Heath is hard and it’s a fantastic gesture by the directors of Maidstone United to allow residents of this desperately deprived area the chance to visit and play on the hallowed plastic turf. We understand the deal breaker was when Allardyce quit, thus removing the risk that the pitch might have to be relaid after the fat bastard had jigged his way across it to the dug out. Now in actual news, many of you reading this will be aware that Paul Foley, Maidstone United’s double-winning captain from the 2001-02 season, is experiencing serious health issues and that the club are staging a benefit game next Saturday (June17th ) to help improve his quality of life. You can donate to the cause here: ﷯ The game will see the Maidstone side from that season take on the Ramsgate team from 1998-99, which Paul also captained. The Rams' side includes a number of players who went on to play for Maidstone, such as Steve Coatham, who was Paul’s central defensive partner that season and the striker Ian Court. The squads are as follows. See you there. 1. Kevin Hudson 2. Jamie Kempster 3. Aaron Lacy 4. Nick Davis 5. Simon Glover 6. Anthony Hogg 7. Nick Hegley 8. Steve Marshall 9. Richard Sinden 10. Neil Davey 11. Barry Jeffreys 12. Terry Cordice 13. Jodie Kempster 14. Simon Austin 15. Simon Petit 16. Steve Hogg 17. Tony Reynolds 18. Manager: Danny Ward. Coach: Steve Butler. Ramsgate: 1. Mick Simmons 2. Mark Harrop 3. John Munday 4. Martin West 5. Steve Coatham 6. Neil Brown 7. Peter Hansen 8. Ed Vahid 9. Stuart Vahid 10. Dean Bowey 11. Timmy Dixon 12. Dave Ward 13. Darryl Stacey 14. Tommy Warrilow 15. Russell Wilson 16. Martin James 17. Robbie Summers 18. John Love 19. Ian Court 20. Manager: Jim Ward Silly season bollocks