Bromley: Generic Preview Bollocks
Yes, it's back contrary to popular demand. GARTH PAXMAN looks at a week when Mad Dogs have been in the news, when the 'Stone's traffic problems were eased forever and when we finally remembered what it feels like to win... Well, what a week it’s been ladies and gentlemen, what a week it’s been. The Grim Reaper continues on his 2016 mission to cut a swathe through people who’ve made a net contribution to humanity while ignoring the agents of Lucifer. He pulls Andrew Sachs out of the game, wipes out a Brazilian football team and leaves Donald Trump a picture of radiantly orange health, allowing him to appoint a man who thinks shooting people is “a hoot” as his defence secretary. To make matters worse, his nickname is “Mad Dog”, hitherto associated with our double-winning captain from 2001-02 and with a manager we inadvertently landed a new job. Here in the ‘Stone the multi-million pound scheme to slash journey times through the town centre by 76 seconds has finally been completed. The authorities issued a warning that the new lane system would take some time to get used to, although given that the average vehicle will be approaching the junction at 2 mph this perhaps seemed unnecessarily cautious. Since the new scheme opened there have been a number of “near misses” making this week identical to every other week since the car overtook the horse as the town’s main form of transport. It’s enough to send even a teetotaller to the Bishop’s Ringpiece, or perhaps even the sweet release of the crack pipe and once again we’re left to turn to the higher power that is Maidstone United for deliverance. And this week, finally, deliverance came, after a performance that displayed spunk, balls and arsehole on Tuesday night, while simultaneously finishing Ronnie Moore’s nascent Eastleigh career and ensuring that yet another "Mad Dog" would replace him. All three of the above-listed qualities will be needed on Saturday (we shit you not) because anyone who remembers the game at JWW will shudder at the memory. Not everyone who attended that evening fell into the trap of thinking “it’s only Bromley” but plenty did, ignoring the reality that Bromley have been a higher-ranked club than us for the past 24 years. In this league, even if we’re right “at it” from the world go we could still lose fifty percent of the time. For 45 minutes at Lincoln we were “at it” and then it all went Pete Tong. For 88 minutes we were “at it” against Eastleigh and would have suffered the deflation of a late equaliser, had their striker not showed all the killer instinct of a police officer investigating a deceased former Prime Minister over allegations of slop-badgery. In the immediate aftermath of the match Ronnie Moore gave an interview in which he hinted that his team lacked arsehole. Within 24 hours he’d gone, citing personal reasons. While speculating on what these reasons may have been is largely pointless, the fact he had half a dozen players who thought a Tuesday evening in Maidstone was plainly beneath them probably didn’t help. As Graham Westley might have said “Arsehole Is More Important Than Ability.” Or as the kind of people who specialise in motivational Tumblr quotes might have put it: “Arsehole Beats Talents When Talent Lacks Arsehole.” And I don’t think it can be summed up any more lucidly than that. Incidentally, people* with no interest in non-league football have been asking me what the hell Martin Allen is doing dropping a level to join a Hampshire side with no Football League pedigree. Would anyone care to take a wild guess? In team news, Lemmy has gone, which seems a shame as his short time with us could hardly have got off to a better start. Last week at Lincoln, however, he was battered for 90 minutes for no reward at all. When Jamar was late for the Eastleigh game and a midfielder was selected ahead of him it probably told him all he needed to know. Now it seems we’ll never get to hear Jurgen’s “Boom, boom shake, shake Marum,” chant. If you’re making the trip to Hayes Lane it’s one of the very few away games this year when it’s almost worth taking the train. Note the word "almost". 40-minute journey, 10-minute walk at the other end. The train’ll be horrific of course, they always are, but will it be any worse than driving inside the M25? And if by some miracle South Eastern do fuck up there’s always a chance that you’ll get compensation, although there’s also a chance you may end paying for said compensation out of your own pocket. No, I’ve no idea how that works either, but if it's good enough for Southern Trains, why shouldn't it be good enough for their partners in cluelessness at South Eastern? Well that's just about all we have time for, so we'll leave you with arguably one of the most formidable celebrity XIs you’ll see this year. 1 HG Wells 2 Siouxsie Sioux 3 Hanif Kureishi 4 Chuck Darwen 5 Billy Idol 6 Topper Headon 7 Michael York 8 Peter Frampton 9 Poly Styrene 10 David Bowie 11 Pixie Lott Subs: David Nobbs, Enid Blyton, WE Johns, Aleister Crowley, Starsmith No room for Gary Rhodes on the grounds he is arguably the embodiment of the “Bromley Manc Cunt”. *All right, one person sent me a text message, saying "Martin Allen to Eastleigh, WTF?" PS: Exodus has now completely sold out its initial print run. A reprint has been ordered and should be with the club by Monday week. If you're thinking of buying it as a Xmas present (and hey, why wouldn't you be?) pre-ordering via the club website (link below) will guarantee you get your hands on this mother before December 25th.
RECENT HIGHLIGHTS On Eastleigh ... Dawn of the Leatherhead Pogba On Lincoln ... This is how it feels to be small On D&R ... Danny Dyer's vinegar strokes On Woking ... Like Amber Rudd sitting on your face
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